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A Perfect Waste of Talent  I don't know what to do. How to help. I am supposed to be getting ready for work right now. All seems fine...but it's really not. She's hurting, and I don't know how to help. I just don't know. But it kills me to see her hurt. Yeah so I started to update all of my blogs and shit again. Trying to find ways to occupy myself. I dont really remember when it was that I wrote on here last. I didnt bother to check. Anywho. I have recently gotten out of the hospital again. I was going to hang myself off of the deck. I am sorta glad that I went, but then again, I lost a lot of money because of it. So I am really pissed off about that. I am at Daves right now and I am bored out of my mind. I cant believe that it is raining on a holiday. That really sucks because we were going to go up to the lake and walk and stuff. So much better than just sitting around. I cant believe how much weight I have been putting on. At first I thought it was because of the meds, but when i looked online, they didnt say anything about weight gain, just weight loss, and sure as hell I am not losing weight. Its been really getting me down. The weight. I think my problem is that I am bored pretty much all of the time. And Tina didnt call me today. I am pretty upset about that. She shouldnt have left me down. But whatever, people will do that I guess. Hmm what else? Megan isnt talking to me again, well as far as I know. Melissa has a big fucking mouth. Its pissing me off. See now its fucking with my friends. Fuck her. Lying bitch. I honestly hate her. And I never want to see her again. I really hope that I dont run into her anywhere. Fucking bitch. ........ Current mood:  annoyed.
Well I guess I will continue my rant. Tina has left, and surprisingly, I dont feel any better. Usually after she leaves, I feel a lot better. But not today. I guess I am too far in the hole. I am truly having a hard time dealing this time. Usually I am able to force myself to do things, but this time I am unable to bring myself to a secure functioning level. This is the time that I become honestly afraid of what I am feeling. I am really afraid of my thoughts, and the way that my thoughts are heading. All I can see is dark. But I keep telling myself that I will get better. That these things only last for so long and I will make it through this. I know that I am strong. I know that I am capable of making it through this time. I know that there are people around me that love me...and I will make it. Things will not always be like this, and I will make it. Yes. Current mood:  depressed.
Yeah so I have been doing okay, not great, but okay. My moods have been really unstable lately. I thought that I had it under control, but obviously, I didnt. Here I am again lost in my depression. I am afraid to tell my friends what is going on because I dont want them to think that they cannot come to me when they are having problems. This is really important to me. I like knowing that they can trust me, and I dont really know what I would do without them. I know from the past, that it isnt the smartest thing for me to trust them as much as they trust me. I have been hurt too many times. And I make sure that I dont get too close to people. Because I have been screwed so many times. It hurts too know that I cant even trust my friends. But I dont. And that is just the way that I am. And I dont really see that changing. But anyways. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the last time that I (blanked). I am so proud of myself. But that doesnt take away from the fact that I am severely depressed right now. I feel so alone. So lost. I am afraid of the way that I am feeling. I am afraid of what I am becoming. What if I am always like this?? What if I always have these thoughts? Will I be able to function as an adult?? What will my future consist of?? Ahh well I dont know. I do know that I am really confused and I hope that things will change soon. Current mood: depressed.
The storm that the weather people ave been warning us about has arrived. They are expecting a like a foot and a half of snow. That means no school tomorrow. Which is pretty fucking sweet. We really need a day off. Just to sit back and waste the day away. Especially in the middle of February. It seems so long until the next vacation. But yeah. So I got out of doing my speech again. :) I was so lucky, I dont think that my luck will be continuous, so I am going to make sure that I am ready for it Thursday. I am soooo nervous though. I truly hate when I get so freaked out about speaking in front of a group. I just wish I would be able to get over it. Speech seems so simple, and yet, for me, its like a nightmare come true. I cant wait until my stagefright is easier to handle. I am hoping that the class will help. Because puking when I think about speaking in front of people really sucks. Physics is getting really annoying as well. I think that I am going to fail this class. I cant help that I am mathimatically retarded. I really cant. But anywho. Tina is really getting on my nerves. I called her like last week, about appointments for this week and she has yet to call me back. I wish that she would at least respect me enough to return my phone calls. I mean its not like I call to see what she is doing and stuff. I call her when I need something. Like to cancel or reschedule, or just to talk to help me through a tough time. Which IS what she is there for. Is it not? I mean a therapist is supposed to be there whenever you need them, and she just isnt. I understand that she is on a break, but she told me before she left, that she wasnt going anywhere and she would have her phone on, and would return calls, and yet here I sit, Tuesday night, and still wothout a phone call. But whatever. I am not going to stress out about it. Thats it for now. Current mood: irritated.
These are the alternatives that I have found to help me: Reading Watching movies. Making lists of random things. 54321 Ten things. Working on my box. Writing a story about whatever was on my mind. Going for a walk in the freezing cold. Taking pictures. Thats it for now. Current mood:  creative.
So today is my fourth day without my beloved box. Surprisingly I am doing very well. The worst thing so far has probably been the nightmares. I had one where there was this guy that came into the school and began shooting everyone that he saw. And when he saw me, he said that I am to help him with what he is doing. So I took the gun and began shooting. I saw people bloody and dying. It was so scary. I never want to have that dream again. Right now I am just trying to make it day to day. My goal is to make it a week, then 2 weeks, and three weeks.... i really want to stop this time. I think Tina is the perfect person to help me stop as well. I really think that with her support and my own determination, I will be successful in stopping. I have found different ways that help to distract me when an urge comes. Some just dont work, but others work very well. Like listing words that have to do with other words, its confusing but it works. And its whatever helps me thats important, so what if it doesnt work for anyone else. I am really excited about my new found confidence in stopping. I have never been this determined in stopping before, and this time, I dont have my box. So I hope that it will be easier this time. I really do. I cannot keep going back to cutting every time things get a little rough. I dont deserve that kind of treatment. Well I am done now. Farewell. Current mood:  content.
So... My ultimate goal by the rnd of this week, meaning Sunday, is to get a list together of as many alternatives to my little issue as I possibly can. I think that each day, I am going to come on here and post 5 different alternatives. Yes. Five is an excellent number. I got through my speech, kinda sped through the speech. But I so definately made it through and thats all that matters to me... And today in study hall, I sttod up and dod somethign to my hip. Fun stuff. I tell you what, I am like the worst in keeping in working condition. It's not like I am inactive or anything, I mean I walk everywhere, and I am really not eating as much as I used to, so i dont understand why my body is back firing on me. Bah. At least Megan and I made up. Surprise surprise. I have no idea where it came from. But she apologized. And we hugged and made up. So its all good now. I think that we are just going to go on as if the fight never happened. Although I do not agree with how she handled the situation at the beginning of the summer, I am a very forgiving person. And so we have been mended. I just hope that her apology is genuine and i will not regret my decision to forgive and not so much forget but to put it behind me. I got accepted to Ship!! How sweet is that?! Although I am still not sure where I am going to go. Kutztown or Ship? I havent a clue. I guess I will wait until I visit both schools then make my decision. But I feel so much pressure from everyone around me to choose where I am going to right now. And I am not ready to make that decision. So I am not. Easy as that. Well thats it for now. Current mood:  peaceful.
Well I haven't entered in awhile. I dont really no why. I guess thats because I just haven't really been in the mood to talk about everything that I am going through. Sometimes it's so hard to get up in the morning. I hate having to go to school everyday as well. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and quit school. But I know that once high school is over I will be able to go to college and then the drama of PAHS will be done and over with. The relationship with my mom has improved though. We are able to sit in a room together without fighting. Well at least not as much as we used to. It's really kind of nice to be able to have my mom say that she loves me everyday. That has never happened before. She always used to just leave without a thought and I always worried about if something would happen to her and I wouldnt have been able to tell her that I love her. I have also gone through 2 therapists I think since the last time that i posted. Hippie, well I couldnt take her anymore. She was so far out there that I couldnt have made any form of therapeutic relationship with her. So then like two weeks later, Kristen was assigned my therapist. Well I really liked her, and I thought that she liked me. But after like a month and a half, she quit. She said that it wasnt my fault but I keep thinking that it was because the session that was before the one that she quit, our session was a really serious one and then all of a sudden she quit. So what else am I supposed to think? Now I have Tina, and shes been my therapist since August, so she has stayed with me the longest. I admore her for that. I have gone through so much in the past few months that she has helped me with, I know that she is in it for the long haul. She has an awesome personality too. We just click. We are like total opposites in certain ways but in others, she reminds me so much of her. We boh have ADD, so it makes for interesting conversations to say the least. Oh and I got accepted to Kutztown!!!!!!! This is so great. I am finally beginning to achieve my dream. Well I am getting bored with writing this now, so I am gonna go. Current mood: creative.Current music: Scott Stapp. So today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I am in a slightly better mood than I was in yesterday, which is always nice. I am still depressed though. I don't think that there is much more I can do about that. I talked with my therapist today. We really didn't talk about anything other than college and stuff. I don't know. Like I have a guidance counselor to talk about college and my plans for after high school. I need someone that I can talk about my problems with. But then again I really like her. I just don't know what to think. I am just so confused. I know that I want to go to college after high school, and major in psych but I have no clue where to even start in the whole process. Current mood:  confused.Current music: Mix. |
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